Cooking is for me a way to relax and clear my head. It is a lot like writing for me in that I find it an artistic expression. I love to cook recipes from all kinds of cultures, but my very favorite is Caribbean food.

When I first started cooking, I felt completely out of my element in the kitchen. My mother did not teach me to cook, so I was lost about so much. Since I married young to my Guyanese husband, some of the first dishes I attempted to cook were those I knew he would like. At that time, I could not even cook a decent pot of rice.

Lots of practice led to feeling of confidence, which led to experimenting on my own until I was proficient enough to play around with almost any recipe to make it something I knew I would enjoy. I made pine tarts without having ever seen a pine tart in my life – and they were pretty good.

However, I have to give a lot of credit to one friend who has helped me whenever I had a question about a recipe or dish. Cynthia Nelson, who writes a column on Caribbean cuisine for Stabroek News, has been a patient mentor for me for years. She also has a blog (www.tasteslikehome.org) that has inspired me over and over throughout the years.

I am one of those learners who need to see a map to understand where I am in the big picture. My Guyanese family are wonderful cooks, but they cook like most Guyanese do, they just throw this and that into their recipe without measurements or cooking times. They just know when something is right or wrong. This made learning to cook from them quite frustrating.

I did not have that cooking intuition at first, but Cynthia’s recipes gave me the opportunity to explore Guyanese cooking with a map to guide me. Her recipes, both in her column and on her blog, give step-by-step instructions on everything from pepperpot to roti. To a large degree, it was because of Cynthia’s help while learning to cook Guyanese food that I now feel comfortable enough to venture into cooking any and every food culture that strikes my fancy (because I am also an adventurous eater).

Here is the good news; Cynthia has now put out a cookbook entitled, Tastes Like Home – My Caribbean Cookbook. This cookbook is the most spectacular cookbook I have ever seen. No matter if the cook is well seasoned in the kitchen or a novice who is just starting, Cynthia’s cookbook will inspire with her cooking memoirs and instruct with her easy-to-follow recipes.

I was so excited about Cynthia’s cookbook that I bought one for three family members for Christmas. Two were seasoned cooks and one was new to Guyanese cooking. All three loved the book and were cooking from it from the very first day. This cookbook far surpasses every other cookbook I have seen (and I have seen a lot) in quality, content and instruction. It is truly the premier Caribbean cookbook.

I also bought a copy of the book for a friend in Guyana who was thrilled because she, too, has been an avid reader of Cynthia’s column for years. She intends to have the cookbook signed by Cynthia at the book launching in Guyana on February 20. I would encourage all cooks, both men and women, to go to the launch and get a good taste of Cynthia’s recipes.

Another valuable aspect of Cynthia’s cookbook targets those in the Diaspora who feel the next generation may lose their connection to Guyanese cuisine because this cookbook is essentially a textbook for anyone who has the desire to make great Caribbean food. I cook Guyanese food not just because I enjoy it, but also because I was adamant that my children knew this part of their culture.

It is interesting that my family in the Midwest part of the US said that even after knowing how to cook most of the traditional recipes for years, time and space had forgotten this ingredient or that dish. Cynthia’s cookbook helped to put some of those missing pieces back in place to make sure the tradition of great Guyanese food continues for generations to come.

I know I may seem a bit partial when it comes to Cynthia’s cookbook, but she was there to walk me through my first tomato choka, assured me that I could make a mango chutney and taught me how to make green seasoning so that my chow mein tasted Guyanese and not American. These recipes may seem simple to most Guyanese, but they are not simple for those outside of the Caribbean.

So yes, I am giving Cynthia’s cookbook a raving review because I have tried and tested her recipes for years and know they are spectacular. I have never written on cooking before and I do not know that I ever will again (after all, there are so many things cooking outside the kitchen that I want to write about), but I could not miss this opportunity to write about Cynthia’s new cookbook. I hope you enjoy her recipes as much as I have.

This is not an uncommon trait in abusive relationships. Once an abusive partner realizes the other is going to end the connection, the violence often escalates.  According to Susan G. S. McGee’s article, “20 Reasons Why She Stays, A Guide for Those Who Want to Help Battered Women” on stopviolence.com, “For battered women who leave the violence is often just beginning. Batterers oftentimes escalate their violence when a woman tries to leave, shows signs of independence or has left.”

The article continued, “Assailants often stalk their partner both during the relationship and after it ends. The batterer’s pursuit rarely ends until he has found a new victim, the victim relocates or the consequences for the stalking are too great. However, some assailants return years later to re-assault or to kill their partners. Assailants are most likely to kill their victims when they believe that she is actually going to leave them.”

Indeed, two of the ten cases reported by the media in Guyana during January ended in death. Three of the ten cases resulted in hospitalization. Both deaths and two of the three hospitalizations involved relationships that had already been severed. There were also beatings and threats, in which law enforcement and the judicial system were involved.

My point is not that anyone should stay in an abusive relationship, but one must be very smart and plan ahead. Make a safety plan that will arrange a way for a safe exit that does not involve more violence.

Here is a safety plan from the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV):

If you are still in the relationship: Think of a safe place to go if an argument occurs – avoid rooms with no exits (bathroom) or rooms with weapons (kitchen). Think about and make a list of safe people to contact. Keep change with you at all times. Memorize all important numbers. Establish a “code word” or “sign” so that family, friends, teachers or co-workers know when to call for help. Think about what you will say to your partner if he\she becomes violent.

Remember, you have the right to live without fear and violence.

If you have left the relationship: Change your phone number. Screen calls. Save and document all contacts, messages, injuries or other incidents involving the batterer. Change locks, if the batterer has a key. Avoid staying alone. Plan how to get away if confronted by an abusive partner. If you have to meet your partner, do it in a public place. Vary your routine. Notify school and work contacts. Call a shelter for battered women.

If you leave the relationship or are thinking of leaving, you should take important papers and documents with you to enable you to apply for benefits or take legal action.

One other key to the success of protecting those who are leaving abusive relationships is to locate a shelter in which the victims can find safety.  If there are no shelters available, victims should be ready to find a safe place on their own. The statistics in just the few short weeks of this year are too high to leave safety to chance.

Do women who stay with abusers deserve the abuse? Let me say up front that this is the wrong question to start with, the questions we should be asking are: Why do assailants terrorize and torture their partners? Why is it that the vast majority of batterers are men and the vast majority of survivors are women? Why does society allow the abuse to continue?

However, for the sake of addressing this widespread belief – that the woman asked for the abuse – let’s list some of the many reasons why women stay in abusive relationships. Many believe that if an abused woman really and truly wanted to leave an abusive relationship, she would pack up her things and go. However, this conclusion ignores the environmental barriers that prevent women from leaving the abuser.

The following information is by Susan G. S. McGee and located on www.stopviolence.com:

Separation Violence – Many, perhaps most, people believe that battered women will be safe once they separate from the batterer. Batterers may, in fact, escalate their violence to coerce a battered woman into reconciliation or to retaliate for the battered woman’s perceived rejection or abandonment of the batterer.

Psychological Terrorism – Some battered women are held prisoner in their own homes. Assailants use psychological terrorism and brainwashing techniques to keep them in the violent relationship.

Hope that he can change – If he can be cured, she reasons, then the violence will end and their relationship can resume. However, most experts believe that a man must be violence-free for two to three years, before marriage counselling is safe or appropriate. All women want the violence to end; many do not want the relationship to end.

Cannot afford justice – Some battered women are forced to stay because they cannot afford to pay the legal fees to separate from the abuser.

Battered women stay for their children – Battered women fear that their partner will get custody of the children.

Some battered women stay because there is no place for them to go – Shelters do not exist everywhere. They are often full. Most women cannot find or afford safe housing. They become stuck in emergency shelters, unable to find a place to live.

Some battered women stay because they are not given accurate information about battering – They are told (by professionals, family, friends and the batterer) that alcohol or other drugs cause battering. Women then endlessly attempt to modify their behaviour only to watch the violence worsen. They are sent to mediation or couples counselling, and told that if this does not work out, it is their fault.

Some battered women stay (for varying lengths of time) because their assailants deliberately and systematically isolate them from support – People who are in trouble need support. They need the aid of family, friends, co-workers and professionals to weather the crisis and make the best decisions for themselves. Assailants commonly force their partner to account for every minute of their time.

Some battered women stay because they believe in love and they still love their partners – This is often one of the hardest phenomena for people who have not been battered to understand. However, many people have been in difficult relationships or jobs that they knew they should leave, but either couldn’t, or needed time to be able to depart. Love is glorified in our culture.

Some battered women stay because they believe what their assailant is telling them, such as – You’re crazy and stupid. No one will believe you; You’re the one that’s sick. You need help. You’re hysterical; I know the judge; he won’t put me in jail; The police will never arrest me; It’s not serious. You’re not really battered; If you leave, I’ll get custody because you’ll have abandoned me and the kids; If you leave, I’ll find you and kill you. I’ll kill your family, your kids, and your pets; You’ll never escape me.

Drugs and Alcohol – Some battered women stay because they are addicted and their addiction prevents them from taking action on their own behalf. Some battered women stay because their assailant encourages or coerces them into using alcohol or other drugs, and/or sabotages their recovery.

Some battered women are trapped in battering relationships because of sexism (unequal treatment of women) – Barbara Hart: “The most likely predictor of whether a battered woman will permanently separate from her abuser is whether she has the economic resources to survive without him.” Women do not have economic resources equal to or approaching men. The poverty rate in female-headed households is much greater than that of married families.

Some battered women stay because institutions are helpless or unwilling to offer them protection or assistance – In every institution, there are those who are allies to battered women and actively search for ways to be helpful. Others are well intentioned, but have no training or knowledge about domestic violence.

Some battered women stay because they believe what women have been taught to believe about both women’s roles and men’s roles (gender socialization) – Gender stereotyping and enforced adherence to it play a major role in battering. Certainly, girls are taught to be passive, to smile, to be nice, to be accommodating, to take care of others and to be sensitive to others needs. Beyond “teaching”, our culture actively punishes girls who violate those rules. The facet of gender roles that directly contributes to domestic violence is the concept of entitlement. Men are taught entitlement. Men are trained to believe that they are entitled to the attention and services of women. When men don’t get these services, some may try negotiation, some pressure, and some may leave their partners. Some men choose to use violence to obtain those services.

Some battered women stay because they are afraid that if they try to leave, they or their children will die – They should fear death. Battered women are in real danger.

These are just some of the reasons why we cannot say that women want to stay in abusive relationships. They do not “ask for it.” Women do not ask to be abused, but are often trapped in abusive relationships and cannot see a way of escape. It is then our responsibility to help these abused women to find a way to a happy and safe life outside of the reach of violent and abusive hands.

At Christmas, why does everyone only make gingerbread men? If it were Grandpa who got ran over by a reindeer, would the song still be so funny? Why not build a Frosty the snow-woman? What if it were daddy who the kids saw kissing Santa Claus? And speaking of Santa, imagine how much more fun Christmas would be for little girls if there were a female version of Santa, too.

The good news is that, although traditional thought does not recognize it, all of Santa’s reindeer – Rudolf, Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner and Blitzen – are female. According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, “While both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.” Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa’s reindeer, every single one of them, from Rudolf to Blitzen … had to be a female.

Finally! We get to hear about some females in the during the holiday season (although I think many would still assume Santa’s reindeer are males). I think you get my point, though. Women are left out of all the traditional stories surrounding this celebration time of the year. This is just one celebration connected to one religion in our very big world, but it is a good example of how women have long been omitted from most historical accounts and traditional folklore.

The sole woman in the biblical account of the Christmas story is Mary, the mother of the baby Jesus. I am pretty sure the only reason Mary was included is because a woman was needed to give birth. However, think of how much better the miracle would have been if a man had given birth instead of a virgin. Just saying.

Moreover, if a woman was queen of Judea, instead of Herod being the king, I would bet my bottom dollar there would have been no order to kill all the little boys who were two years and younger so no baby king could rise to take the throne. My reasoning on this matter is similar to the reason I believe that if a woman were president of the US when George Bush went to war, there would have been no war – women seem to value the lives of children more.

Therefore, I have decided to write my own holiday story that is all about women. Now don’t be mad, guys! You have plenty of stories, songs and prose about you. It is time for the women have some fun this Christmas. When you are reading my poem, please think of the classic poem by Clemens Moore, “Twas the night before Christmas.”

Twas the week before the New Year and all through the nation
Women were contemplating and pondering their station
What one does with one’s life is, after all, a great matter
So, best friends were consulted and thus began the chatter

One bright Girlfriend made it clear, girl don’t you marry for money
Yep, said another, as we all know, easy come easy go, honey
You gotta make your own way and be your own lady
‘Cause what happens if Mr. Right turns out to be Mr. Shady?

Don’t chase rude boys, said Bestie, they are nothing but trouble
If you think they are cute, you’d best change your mind on the double
Girlfriend said, hey, don’t forget to get yourself an education
That’s right said Sis, we know life ain’t no free vacation

Headaches and heartaches can be avoided when a girl thinks right
Don’t ditch girlfriends for a passing guy, keep your girls tight
A question is posed, but what if I find a guy who seems to care
Great, answered Sis, you found someone with whom life you can share

But, said Bestie, you don’t give up your life to please someone else
If he truly loves you for you, he will want you to be yourself
He won’t ask you to give up your family, your career or your friends
He would never scare you, beat you and leave you to mend

Girlfriend said, my Christmas wish is that in the New Year
No women are physically or mentally tormented and living in fear
All the girlfriends piped in, yep, that is my Christmas wish too
As they gazed at the fairy lights, the feeling of love was strong and true

In her red dress, Santa stopped by to see the girls and drop off their gifts
Sis picked up a snow globe of Frostie the snow-woman – it gave her a lift
As did the smell of baking gingerbread women that wafted through air
The girlfriends gave a group hug; grateful for the friendship they shared

These were three very wise women; of that there was no doubt
These ladies know just who they are and what life is all about
The table was set, the candles aglow, food aplenty with all the trimmings
The girls joined hands and declared, peace on earth and goodwill toward women

Young women growing up today spend so much time fretting about their hair, makeup, clothes, shoes, etc. They primp incessantly; yet I wonder if they spend any time at all grooming their manners, their kindness or their generosity. Being rude seems en vogue lately – and I think it is just ugly.

With rude role models in the media and in real life, it seems a natural evolution for young women to follow the examples set for them. I have seen some young women who are very beautiful on the outside, but their dominant behavior is malicious and spiteful. It is a very ugly thing to watch.

Even worse, these women justify their mean and nasty actions by saying they are just “keeping it real.” Absolute nonsense! Disregard for the feelings of others is not keeping it real – it is keeping everything about one self-absorbed person. When that ugly girl needs to have others who are honestly real around for support, she will find herself all alone.

Let’s face it, ugly is as ugly does. Webster’s Dictionary defines ugly as “offensive or unpleasant to any sense.” I find mean, self-centered, obnoxious, malicious and spiteful girls to be very ugly. In fact, I do not waste my time around such young women or grown women. I have better things to do with my time than to squander it on people who do not give a second thought about hurting others.

On December 19, The Huffington Post published an article entitled, “Narcissism: The New Normal?” This piece talks about the fact that narcissism “has become so much a part of our culture, particularly our parenting, that narcissistic traits are considered normal — so much so that if we don’t have a reality show named after us, we use our own phones or video up-links to transmit our private lives to anyone from Alaska to Antarctica who will watch.”

As a society, are we raising our children – both boys and girls – to be narcissists? Are we actually training the next generation to be ugly? The laissez-faire attitude of adults toward ugly behavior from young people is a perfect example that this is the case. Being rude and mean is not cute or cool – it is ugly. And no amount of physically attractive features can make a person who is ugly on the inside an appealing person to be around.

The aforementioned article continued, “People — particularly parents — often confuse true authority with meanness of spirit. They are not the same thing. In fact, a parent who has no authority, who cedes his position to his child, has done that child a great disservice. Authority is benevolent, even though it demands respect. It is loving, even though it will not accept bad behavior. It is structured, which is not the same as strict and certainly does not mean fearsome…And, finally, benevolent authority is critical if we’re going to have anything but a generation of unabashedly self-centered, entitled children who believe the whole world revolves around their desires.”

How much time do young women today spend helping others? How much time do they spend with an elderly relative who cannot leave the house? How much volunteer time is committed to help orphans, the homeless or the poor? Is there any time for the disabled neighbor who needs groceries from the store? Are these activities even important anymore? Or do we only teach our young women to think about themselves all the time?

Raising young women to be grounded and well-rounded adults who give back to the community requires parents to teach them to realize the importance of their internal beauty. Regardless of the fact that society heedlessly rewards women for being beautiful on the outside (i.e. beauty pageants), the internal beauty of a woman is far more important to the woman herself – and to society as a whole.

A woman who is ugly on the inside will one day have a harsh awakening when she realizes the world does not, in fact, revolve around her. She will have difficulty forming and maintaining relationships and she will feel lonely because her ugly ways have alienated even those who truly care about her.

In the community, the woman who is beautiful on the outside will get stares, catcalls and the attention of the males, but unless she contributes to the community with more than her physical appeal, what service does that woman provide for humanity? What good has she done to make the world a better place? What legacy of significance has she left for the next generation?

Women have so much more to offer the world than just external beauty. Women have brilliant minds, creative spirits, political prowess, spiritual intuition, business expertise and commanding leadership skills. These are the far more vital features for which women should be rewarded – not something as shallow and trivial as outward beauty.

A woman’s outward beauty is a biological endowment. The woman has no control over what society deems beautiful on the outside or whether she was born to be beautiful. However, the parents and the young woman craft the internal beauty. The older the girl gets, the more responsibility she assumes for her internal beauty. A woman who has molded herself to be beautiful on the inside should garner far more admiration from society than one who happened to be born with outward beauty.

While the television, pop stars, magazines, commercials and billboards tell our daughters that outside beauty is important, we need to make sure they understand their internal beauty is even more important.

According to the International Initiative on Maternal Mortality and Human Rights (IIMMHR), “Over 500,000 women die every year from complications of pregnancy and childbirth. These tragic and preventable deaths are the culmination of human rights violations against women and girls in many aspects of their lives and at all levels of health decision-making. Ending these human rights violations is essential for preventing maternal death.”

When I recently posted a story on my Facebook page about yet another maternal death in Guyana, South America, one woman’s response was, “Unbelievable! Can we rule out some sort of deliberate activity? This is highly unusual. It’s 2010 for goodness sakes!!!”

This feeling of utter exasperation is exactly how any woman feels concerning the high number of maternal deaths. I have had women tell me that if men were the ones giving birth, this situation would not exist. It is difficult to fight with such logic when even finding a cure for balding hair seems to take medical preference over putting an end to maternal mortality. This problem of preventable maternal deaths has been around for years and solving this issue years ago could have saved the lives of so many women.

It is time for us to recognize preventable maternal mortality for the massive human rights problem that it is. IIMMHR states, “Failure to provide available, accessible, acceptable and quality health care, including emergency obstetric care, for women during pregnancy and childbirth is a violation of women’s rights to life, health, equality and non-discrimination.

Respect and protection of women’s rights to information and decision-making in reproductive health, to freedom from gender-based discrimination and violence, and to participation in planning and implementing health policies are critical for making pregnancy and delivery safer for women.”

The April 16, 2010 Report of the Office of the United Nations High Commissioner for Human Rights on preventable maternal mortality and morbidity and human rights said, “According to WHO, UNICEF, the World Bank and other stakeholders, the majority of maternal deaths and disabilities could be prevented through access to sufficient care during pregnancy and delivery and effective interventions. This affirmation is supported by the observation that in some countries maternal mortality has been virtually eliminated. Only 15 per cent of pregnancies and childbirths need emergency obstetric care because of complications that are difficult to predict. WHO estimates that 88 to 98 per cent of maternal deaths are preventable.”

I would be numbered in that small percentage who required medical intervention while having my first child. The umbilical cord was wrapped around my daughter’s neck and even after ten hours of induced labor, I would not dilate. The child was safely delivered via caesarean section and both she and I lived. A hundred years ago, in all likelihood, we would have both died. In today’s modern world, it is a given that every woman deserves a right to a healthy delivery.

What is to be done? What can fix a system that is still plagued by neglect and incompetence in many countries?

According to IIMMHR, “An effective response requires that we look beyond the delivery of quality health services and embrace the language and norms of human rights. A human rights approach to reducing maternal mortality is a powerful tool for several reasons: 1) It ensures that we can hold governments and others to account for their policies, programs, projects and pledges to reduce maternal mortality; 2) It empowers people to advocate for rights related to maternal health; 3) It offers civil society a means by which to engage in a constructive dialogue with governments around their responsibility to ensure safe pregnancy and childbirth; and 4) It places women’s equality and well-being at the center of governmental responses to reproductive rights and health issues. A human rights approach to maternal health plays a critical role in legitimizing, promoting and enforcing norms, policies and programs that seek to reduce maternal mortality.”

It is heartbreaking when the hopes and dreams of expectant parents are dashed into pieces when the mother – and possibly the child – dies during delivery when it could have been prevented. More to the point, it is a moral wrong and the inaction of the government to fix this situation years ago is simply indefensible.

In closing, some final words from IIMMHR, “Experience in various countries over the past decades has demonstrated that maternal mortality can be reduced significantly and sustainable when it becomes a political priority.

Even though dying of an easily preventable cause is a human rights violation—as much as extrajudicial executions, torture, and arbitrary detentions are—the connection between maternal mortality and human rights has not been widely recognized. The time is ripe for an effort that confronts this unacceptable situation.”

Why do these ads insist that women do not measure up?

According to “Flattery Will Get an Ad Nowhere,” a December 10 New York Times article,”Apparently, it doesn’t take much to make a girl feel plain. Just looking at an object intended to enhance beauty makes women feel worse about themselves, according to a study from the April 2011 issue of The Journal of Consumer Research.”

In other words, advertisers feel they must create a need. In fashion apparel and shoes, hair products, cosmetics, anti-aging creams and lotions – as well as many other areas – the need is that a woman needs to look better. Therefore, it is necessary to make her feel she is not good enough yet and needs the advertised product to make her better than she is without it.

The article continues, “The study looked at how women responded to an image of something (say, a high-heeled shoe) depicted in an advertisement and as a simple photograph with no advertising context. According to the authors — led by Debra Trampe, an assistant professor of marketing at the University of Groningen in the Netherlands — advertised products, unlike unadvertised products, affect both whether and how the viewer thinks of herself afterward.

In other words, an image of the high-heeled shoe in a stylish advertisement is likely to trigger a sense of inadequacy.”

In an attempt to satisfy their thirst for money, advertisers spend billions of dollars on making women feel inferior so they will buy a product that is supposed to make them better.

Better than what? As it is, most women will not even leave the house without makeup on their face, because they are not “good enough” without the makeup. Meanwhile, men are just fine the way they are…no makeup, no unnatural and uncomfortable high heels to walk around in all day, no form-fitting or low-cut clothing to put body parts on display.

This is just madness. How can women ever get to a place where they feel good about themselves while every television commercial, every magazine, every music video, screams that they will never measure up? This type of pressure for women to be someone other than who they are is unreasonable and immoral.

The New York Times article said, “According to the study, ‘advertisements displaying beauty-enhancing (rather than problem-solving) products are likely to remind consumers of their own shortcomings.’ This, in turn, makes them view themselves more negatively. The authors quote Christopher Lasch, who back in the 1970s said, ‘modern’ advertising ‘seeks to create needs, not to fulfill them; it generates new anxieties instead of allaying old ones.’”

This is the world in which women live. This is the world in which our daughters are growing up.

Who do these advertisers think they are to believe it is ethical to sell low self-esteem to millions of women just to make money? There are so many other ways to sell their products that would not leave women around the world feeling like they will never be good enough.

I would have to be starved for something to read before I would pick up a fashion magazine. I simply refuse to allow others to decide what I should look like – what shoes I should wear, what clothes I should buy, what make-up looks best on me, whether I need to use anti-aging creams…and even what feminine products I should use. I prefer to be a woman of my own choosing.

When it comes down the bare bones of advertising, ads are crafted to make women feel ugly. Why on earth would I subject myself to such degradation? The truly ironic part of reading this article on the New York Times Website is that right alongside the article was an ad with a nude woman covered only by two baby lions and a Bulgari bag. My reaction to the ad is that I am offended.

I am offended that the advertisers think so little of me that they will put a nude woman on their ad and think it will some how provoke me to buy their product. I want to know the details about the bag. I am also offended because I am aware that the woman in that ad is not even real. She has been ‘photoshopped’ and tweaked to the point that she is not a real woman at all.

However, these types of ads do work many times and until women recognize what is going on – that they are being made to feel ugly and held to unrealistic standards just so advertisers and their clients can make money – these degrading ads will continue. It is time to stop buying products from ads that demean women. It is time to start buying from ads that are informative and attract the customer based on the facts of the product.

Remember this women, it is an insult to you every time an ad makes you feel like you would be a better woman if only you had that product. Don’t respond to the offense by buying that product. It’s time women demand that advertisers find a way to market goods without selling low self-esteem.

Self-esteem is something probably everyone wants and which everyone definitely needs. We want self-esteem because it increases our chance of finding happiness in life and makes it possible to cope with life’s disappointments and changes. We need self-esteem because nothing is as important to psychological well-being.

Our level of self-esteem affects virtually everything we think, say and do. It affects how we see the world and our place in it. It affects how others in the world see and treat us. It affects the choices we make – choices about what we will do with our lives and with whom we will be involved. It affects our ability to both give and receive love. And it affects our ability to take action to change things that need to be changed.

If a woman has an insufficient amount of self-esteem, she will not be able to act in her own best interest. And if a woman has no self-esteem at all, she will become overwhelmed, immobile and eventually will “give up.” Many women unfortunately have gone through life with a minimum of self-esteem – just enough to enable their survival, but not enough to enable them to live as fully and to be as happy as they might have been.

According to the age-old double standard, high self-esteem is an exclusively male prerogative. In men it is seen as a moral good, and a man who likes and values himself and lets the world know is considered normal, and is said to be demonstrating a healthy self-interest. But a woman who likes and values herself and lets the world know is condemned for being vain, arrogant and conceited.

In fact, if a woman walks by with a confident stride, other females are likely to look at her and say, “Who does she think she is?” instead of being content to see a female with self-confidence. However, if a male walks by with that same confident stride, it is seen as normal, healthy and even attractive.

Many women accept their low self-esteem as a seemingly unalterable fact of life. Many, taught as most women are, that a good woman is humble and self-effacing, go so far as to maintain that there is something noble and virtuous, something appealing and feminine about self-hatred and self-denigration.

Moreover, other than having the capacity to achieve personal happiness, another reason self-esteem is an especially important issue for women is that individual levels of self-esteem also have political implications, affecting our actions and status as a group.

Women in a male-dominated world face many formidable obstacles men do not face. These obstacles are not going to magically disappear. Women must bring them down by standing up against them. Every gain women have made in obtaining greater equality in the workplace, in the eyes of the law, in religious institutions, in the media, in the professions and in the inter-personal sphere, has been at the cost of enormous struggle on the part of individual women working together. Sustaining that sort of struggle, and mounting new struggles, requires that women value themselves.

When one woman suffers the unhappiness of feeling that she is not worth much, nor capable of much either, it is easy to say hers is an individual problem. But when thousands of women suffer from lack of self-worth and have limited views of their capabilities, then what we are talking about is a group problem of enormous political implications. Only by raising ourselves in our own estimation can we bring all women up.

What is self-esteem? Self-esteem is the reputation you have with yourself. On the other hand, self-image is the set of beliefs and images we all have of ourselves.

For example, our self-image can include easily verifiable aspects of ourselves like: I am a woman, I am tall or short, I am a mother, I am poor, etc. And it can include aspects not so easily verifiable, like: I am smart, I am ugly, I am sexy, I am unlovable, I am worthless, I am incompetent. Self-esteem is the measure of how much we like and approve of our self-image.

Women are so hard on themselves because of a distorted view of themselves. Women’s self-esteem is impacted negatively by feelings that we do not measure up to what society expects us to be. I have long struggled with the fact that women are supposed to be compliant and quiet because I am a fighter and opinionated. In fact, I seldom fit into any of the traditional roles set out for women.

I believe every woman struggles like I did – to some extent or another – to fit into that small box society has placed us. But I think it is time we break that box to pieces and redefine ourselves as the women we want to be.

When this happens, when we can find the courage to be the women we want to be, that is when we will start to see healthy female self-esteem – and healthy, happy women.

For example, after I recently wrote about my own experience of domestic violence at the hands of my mother, I received an email from a reader saying, “I have just read your column…and it has opened up old wounds. I am currently in tears because I lived my own hell that I never thought any other child experienced at the hand of a mother.”

Living in an abusive relationship is a lonely life. There are threats of more violence if the abuse is spoken about to others, yet even when the silence is not broken, the violence continues. It is a lose/lose situation and the silence only allows the violence to continue.

When someone says that domestic violence is a “private matter,” they are completely and utterly wrong. This reckless statement is intended to absolve the speaker of responsibility to help the person being abused and to hold the abuser accountable. Moreover, dismissing domestic abuse as a “private matter” keeps the victim in her prison of silence. No leader should EVER say domestic violence is a “private matter.”

If there is one reason above all others that I am a part of the “Break the Silence, Say No to Violence” event this Thursday in Guyana, South America, at the Georgetown Cricket Club Ground, Bourda, it is because I know what it is like to suffer in silence. I know what it is like to feel isolated from the rest of the world in my own little hell and to believe there is no one else who can or will raise a finger to help me.

How many women suffer in silent torment today in Guyana? Hundreds? Thousands? Even if it is just one (though we know it is far more), that is one too many. Life is too short to spend even one day being subjected to blows, covering up the bruises, listening to the venomous words or being beaten down emotionally by psychological abuse.

We never know how many more days we have left to spend on this earth, let us not waste even one precious day in the arms of an abuser.

If you are in Guyana and a victim of domestic abuse, come to the “Break the Silence, Say No to Violence” event on Thursday and see that you are not alone. There will be others to stand with you. I will be there to stand with you. If you are a survivor of domestic abuse, come and find support and healing. If you know someone who is being abused, offer to bring that person to this event as a way of taking a stand against the evil of domestic violence.

If you are neither a victim nor a survivor, nor do you know anyone who is a victim or survivor, it is important that you come to this event, too. The only way to initiate real change – the only way to stop seeing headlines of women murdered – is for every single person of excellent heart to take a stand against domestic violence.

I have already had many people give verbal commitments to be in attendance. I appreciate this since I have not asked these friends to come; they are coming to support this cause because they know just how important it is to stop the maiming and killing.

I have been writing about domestic violence since 2005 and yet today the situation is worse than ever. Multiple times a week there are headlines with women who die horrible deaths. This past week a 62-year-old woman was hammered to death by her own son. The time for idle talk is long past. It is time for action now.

This Thursday, the day of the big event, is the Thanksgiving Holiday in the US, a day where families gather, feast and spend the day together in thankfulness for all they have.

I have spent every single year of my life with family on Thanksgiving, but this year, I chose to spend it in here in Guyana so I can do my part to find a way to curb the violence.

Thursday is also International Day for the Elimination of Violence Against Women. In other words, when Guyana stands together at the “Break the Silence, Say No to Violence” event – we are not alone – there will be others around the world standing in solidarity with us.

We will join our voices with brothers and sisters around the world to vehemently reject violence against women.

We cannot bring back the ones we have lost to domestic violence over the years, but we can take a stand together this week to stop the onslaught against women. Please make your commitment to come to “Break the Silence, Say No to Violence” on Thursday, if you can, or attend another similar event in your area. Bring your best friend – bring all of your friends. Bring your family members. Bring everyone – and let us do this together.

It is time to do more than just say, “We have to stop the killing.” It is time to put our words into actions. Come stand with the victims and survivors this Thursday. Look them in the eyes and tell them, “You are not alone.”

I was more than a bit surprised when there were some – male and female – who defended this pedophilic behavior. I’m going to be brutally honest and say that if any stinky old man touched one of my daughters at such a young age, my fury would explode to the point that the world would think Armageddon had begun. There’s no way that sick pervert would escape justice.

Which brings me to what I really want to talk about in this column; mothers who allow stepfathers and boyfriends – or anyone, for that matter – to molest their young daughters. If there is anything in the world more unnatural than a man wanting to have sex with a young girl, it is a mother who will knowingly allow it to happen.

It truly baffles me that society will look at sex between two consenting adults who happen to be of the same gender as unnatural, yet the heinous act of raping a little girl is not viewed with the repulsion it deserves. In fact, all types of homophobic rhetoric is tossed about freely (which is a shame), yet when someone talks of a man who has sex with little girls, it is almost wistfully stated as if to say, “wouldn’t that be nice.”

On my scale of good and bad, 1 – 100, the best of people rating a 100 and the worst of people rating a one, a man who has sex with little girls ranks a big zero in my book. The pedophile is the worst of the worst, the scum of the earth, a person who makes thieves and corrupt politicians look like angels. That any mother could allow such filth to touch her precious daughter is utterly incomprehensible.

I have been told that it is for the sake of money that mothers allow this atrocity. Either she wants that man in her life for the money to live and eat or she allows – or even sends – her daughter to seek out men with whom she can have sex and bring the money back home.

Of all the ways in the world there are to make money, why would any mother choose this loathsome one?

In fact, as pointed out by an acquaintance of mine, if that mother has no qualms with using sex as a means for making a living, then she should be the one to do it – not her little girl. That little girl should be playing with dolls, doing her homework and giggling with other girls her age. Not being inappropriately compromised by a rank old man.

What I find interesting is that this ugly circle starts when fathers with little girls want to abandon their responsibilities at home. Mom is left to care for children without an education, a solid job, or family with the ability to help her. So mom puts her little girl out to be prostituted or she takes a lover to take care of her, but he wants to use the little girl too.

In short, dad reneges on his responsibilities with his little girl to have fun instead, and in the process, another male is having “fun” with his little girl. Now that is one very ugly circle.

Moreover, this circle has become so popular, that it is now common to see young girls dressing to attract older men, in hopes of scoring some money or an escape from poverty.

If those older men had any moral fiber in them at all, they would send those young girls home to do their homework.

That would be the honorable thing to do. Then those little girls would have no reason to be prostituting themselves and could go back to being little girls.

Instead, the men use these girls, maybe for a night, maybe for a few weeks or maybe for a couple years, but when they are done using that girl, she is discarded like so much trash. After all, let us be honest here, men who use little girls or grown women for nothing more than sex, give not a passing thought to the fact that she is a person, a human.

At the end of the day, I still cannot comprehend a mother who allows a man to rape her daughter. Isn’t it bad enough that the rest of the world does not value that little girl? But to have her own mother devalue her precious life, too? There are no more words to further communicate my feelings on this matter. My heart aches for those girls.